Don't Look At Me

I think we have something to learn from our middle school selves.

Back in the good ol' days, it didn't matter if you were wearing Michael Kors glasses, because at the end of the day, you knew you would be getting ripped on for being a four-eyed fool.

Got a really bad sweet tooth? You're screwed because someone WILL rob you of your cookies during recess.

And God help anyone who was not the little nerd who aced all his tests. That dude was getting laiiiiiiiid for a study date. And by laid, I mean with intense bribery and compliments.

What's crazy is that we didn't care about the fact that Michael Kors meant money, or that the cookies meant unhealthy weakness, or that the geeky nature was equivalent to bad in bed. And beyond all of that - we couldn't see something that often drives people towards and away from one another - physical appearance.

It didn't matter if you were the "hottie" on the cheerleading team or a unibrowed beast. Because middle school crushes don't see all of that crap. They saw the best in a bad situation (because let's be real - even the cheerleaders were busted), and really fell for the inside. The only thing left to scrutinize was humor, spunk, and how someone made you feel beyond the cheez-its they offered you during lunchtime.

There's something majestic about this innocence. It's powerful, because it makes us forget all of the silly things that we have somehow been conditioned to look for. By being blind to this, we could see something far more beautiful - the inner confounds of our classmates. And even though we couldn't understand them, or analyze them, maybe that was what made young love more pure than the "sophisticated" things we experience today.

What I would give to be blind again, and have more people in this world share in the beautiful darkness.

Writing Prompt.

Warnings for my Future Husband:

-       I become very obsessed with very specific things. Do not oppose them, or you will ignite a monster in me that might end our relationship.

-       There will be days when I am excitable for no apparent reason. Don’t ask me why, there really is no reason. Go with it, and keep up. I did not wed a Debbie.

-       If you are messy, get out. My mind is messy enough, I don’t need my house to be too.

-       Mentally prepare yourself for an impromptu dance party at any and all times.

-       I cannot cook. However, I am an excellent sue-chef. If you can direct me in a kitchen, we can make grand meals together, and I am not afraid to pig out. Which brings me to my next warning – eat fast.

-       Showers are incomplete without blaring music. You’re not invited to the club – it is reserved for me and my cool shower dance moves. See you in 45 minutes…maybe an hour if I’m feelin’ frisky.

-       Date nights are cute, let’s do them weekly.

-       Often, you will do something that has me so smitten kitten, but will have no idea why. This is normal – I will find your tiny beauties whether you know they exist or not.

-       At some point in our marriage, I may try to put mascara on you while you’re sleeping. Please don’t be alarmed, it’s just a fantasy of mine.

-       Sometimes I take therapeutic drives to clear my head. Hopefully gas prices drop by this time, but it might be something to factor into our budget.

-       I like to spontaneously revert to being a 5 year old by coloring, watching cartoons, or pretending to be a flailing monkey. Join me, why don’t you?

-       I fell in love with your eyeballs, so don’t you dare taint them with colored contacts.

-       I can’t write, choreograph, or do anything creative in front of you. So don’t hover, or offer to help – if you see me in the zone, leave me there alone. Also, please think it’s really cool when I spit out a rhyme like that.

-       I will make you stay up obscenely late with me, probably to do some quality bonding, and then expect you to let me fall asleep first. C’mon, it’s cute of you to watch me sleep. Oh and P.S. I drool. 

-       There will be a point very early in our relationship where I will render “hair-care” useless.  This is a good thing – you will be pleasantly surprised when my legs are smooth. Win-win-whaddup.

-       I am calling infinite dibs on little spoon.

My dearest, after reading this, you might be a little scared. But seriously, if we’re married, you’re probably frickin crazy too. So, we’re cool right?

Yes. A million times YES.

Thank you, Shreena Brahmbhatt, for bringing these words into my life. One of the best snippets I have ever laid my eyes on.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/why-being-in-your-20s-is-awesome/

The Dangers of Spring Cleaning

The trouble about growing up is that it entails losing bits of our past. Out with the old, in with the new and improved. This all seems fine and dandy - except when we stumble on something from days long gone, and realize that maybe it was a part worth keeping. 

In high school, we had to volunteer. It was an unspoken requirement that everyone put on their Resume. To me, it didn't feel like something I was obligated to do. At first, sure, I dreaded helping old people and didn't care for the greater-good clubs at school. But suddenly, I started having fun. I looked forward to seeing Mary's eyes light up when I read the news to her. I realized what I was actually doing when I told people to come to the blood drive. Something clicked, and I finally understood what it meant to care about something way bigger than yourself. 

Somewhere along the way between high school and college, that part of me was placed in the garbage. I lost faith in people, I forgot the feeling of volunteering, and I became jaded. I still had random sparks of wanting to do good, and participated in events here and there, but my primary emotions were put towards other things. College happened - and my priorities were switched to worrying about people over projects. 

Maybe I did have to throw it out temporarily to make room for the new. But now that the new is here, developed, and comfortable, I'm back-tracking. I'm regressing and rejuvenating at the same time. I'm going back to my causes, and hoping that they will continue to effect me in the same way they used to.

1) Random acts of kindness. This means anything. Leaving positive post-its in obscure places. Complimenting strangers. Writing cards - yes, HAND written. Helping someone with a broken down car, and maybe not breaking the spoiler this time. 

2) Listening. I mean really listening to a cause that passes my way. I already know what I care about and how difficult it is to make others feel the same way. For that reason, I should be more empathetic to what other people stand for too.

3) Watching TED talks, reading, and attending samaritan events more regularly. Better yourself to better your environment. 

4) Saying please and thank you. Not just smiling when someone holds a door open, but verbalizing it, and feeling it all the way up to my eyeballs.

5) Remembering that no matter how hideous someone may seem on the inside, they will ALWAYS have something, even if it's tinytinytiny, beautiful to offer. And learning from that.

6) Keeping in touch. Letting people know that you are thinking of them, even if you don't know them that well.

7) Smiling at pedestrians. It makes no logical sense that we are on a street filled with humans who pretend that none of the other ones exist. Acknowledge someone's presence, but don't be creepy.

8) Being open to influence. Whether you're moved by a lecture, a loved one, or a leaf on the ground, keeping an open mind and an open heart is the most pleasant way to go through the day.

Of course, this is just me. These are just small steps to start with that have had the biggest impact on my energy. I hope that if nothing else, I will radiate more positivity from this, and it will make people around me feel better too. This is all very "The Secret" of me, and I didn't care for that book, but whateva 'cuz I'm feelin' good 8)

I have no clue what brought on the sudden realization that I almost lost such an important part of myself, but I am so grateful that it happened. Next time, I'll think twice before taking out the trash.

Humor Me

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry. But why on Earth should that mean that it is not real?"
-Albus Dumbledore

It's weird. We shout a few token phrases to make us think that we have control: Mind over matter! It's all about willpower! Learn to prioritize!

What does that even mean. Do we need to harness our thoughts instead of humoring them in order to be happy? So things like Body Language, Vibes, Gut Feelings - these guys are criminals. Supposed to be behind bars with Rationale and Reality guarding a close watch?

If we are told to have faith in our future, which is so completely detached from us, it seems silly that we shouldn't have faith in our own core, which we can feel pushing against our hardened chests. Those emotions, however vague, come from somewhere within us - this much we know. What we lack is a solid reason to ignore our own instincts.

And yet for some reason, the best we can do to offer a stark contrast to the shouting of our peers is a faint whisper: follow your heart.

My Little April Fool

After dodging my bio classes because I couldn't stand to hear another word about birth defects. After running out of the library with goosebumps when any relative called me, only to hear that they needed my school address. After walking into baby stores and resisting the urge to buy every tiny hat that would look hilarious on a face with huge eyeballs. Somewhere, somehow, between the daydreams and nightmares, the little one FINALLY decided to peek-a-boo and say wassup. And to my surprise, even though she has forsaken the umbilical cord, she still clings to my heartstrings.

Over the course of nine months, my sister's belly grew alongside the range of thoughts I had about this future infant. I went from worrying about her comfort in the womb to fantasizing about future Friends marathons (yes, it will still be that loved in fifteen years). And as the belly popped, so did my little bubble. I know that my life has officially changed, forever.

At first, I thought the excitement would subside. But even though the wait is over, my thoughts still circle around this baby. I don't plan out what she will achieve, where her interests will lie, because these expectations are dangerous to both parties when they aren't met. Instead, I wonder about things like how funny she'll be, having been born on the silliest day of the year. Or if we will ever get the chance to chill at the park and discuss life over Taco Bell. Or if she will think my extreme emotion towards her is borderline creepy.

I already picture her presence surrounding me. Despite the ocean that will forever separate us, she is here - watching me dance, even though she is only two hours old and it is probably nap time. This little fetus has somehow gotten under my skin, even though she isn't mine. My co-captain was also confused by this, and asked the earnest question, "How are you this excited, if you don't even want kids of your own?"I struggled with the answer.

The only thing I can come up with is that it doesn't make any logical sense. I'm not supposed to feel this attached to a baby that isn't mine, and I have absolutely no idea how handle such a new, raw feeling brewing inside of me. But for now, I will let it consume me. Because something about it feels too natural to ignore. Soon enough, time will be escaping me, and I will look back on this post. And with any luck, I'll smile at the fact that all of the love, stress, and wonderment I'm feeling, hasn't changed a bit.