Friends, family, lovers, or an
incestuous all three. Upon my passing, please accept this document as an
official handbook to my funeral. Below you will find A Funeral Constitution, if
you will, that details the rules accepted as "norm," and my proposed
changes to said rules. If you have any questions or concerns, too bad because
I'm dead and you really can't argue with that.
1.
Rule:
All attendees must wear white to the funeral event.
o
Amendment:
All attendees must wear bright colors to the funeral event. Death is dark
enough - by stripping ourselves of color too, we lose the battle. This funeral
isn’t just about me, it’s about you. So fight the war in your brightest neon
pink dress, please.
2.
Rule:
There must be one week of bhajans held at the deceased's house.
o
Amendment:
Welcome to one week of themed dance parties. Don't worry - I am putting away
money to fund this 7-day fiesta. Please honor my death in the way that made me
feel most alive - by dancing. Just because my world has stopped, doesn't mean
you can’t keep moving.
3.
(Unspoken)
Rule: The family of the deceased must feed any and all who enter the house.
o
Amendment:
The family of the deceased will serve no one. My skype name may have been
"avani.loves.food," but avani.loves.her.family more. I'm not into the
idea of them cooking up a storm every morning mid-mourning.
4.
Rule:
No kids allowed.
o
Amendment:
All kids allowed – babies receive free entry. JK I won’t charge cover for the
rest of you non-infants, but there’s something to be said about the magic of
little trolls. Even though I may not have kids of my own, because, HIVES, I
recognize their inexplicable power to alter the mood with a single toothless
grin.
5.
Rule:
The deceased must be cremated in their finest attire.
o
Amendment:
Bye world = Hi sweatpants. I imagine that walking dead would not be as
comfortable in a prom dress as it would be in “my” finest pair of my brother’s
sweats, paired with the biggest t-shirt in my closet. Let’s be practical,
people.
6.
Rule:
Random pooja items will be used to adorn the deceased.
o
Amendment:
The deceased will be cremated with all of the bare essentials. For further
reference, please see below:
- Pen & paper, because I want to write you guys letters from the actual beyond.
- Caramel Brulee Latte, so someone is going to have to take responsibility for ensuring my death occurs between November 1st and January 31st.
- All 10 seasons of FRIENDS, because obvi.
- A cheesy bean and rice burrito from Taco Bell - no fiesta sauce or I will seriously haunt your ass.
- My entire iTunes library, because how else am I going to have solo dance parties?
- All of my nail polish (see reason listed in bullet #3).
- My ghungroos, because – wait we definitely discussed this. Are you even paying attention? Uninvited to the funeral.
- A map, because I want to keep track of all the countries I want to see. Now that I am a ghost and therefore can fly, I am going EVERYWHERE. #frequentflyer #freeflights #gujjuitillidie #evenwhenimdead
7.
Rule:
When paying respect to the corpse, please honor the casket with a flower.
o
Amendment
(A): Please come prepared for this portion of the evening. I’d like each of you
to bring a piece of paper folded in half. On one side, write something,
anything, you have yet to get closure on. On the other, write a promise to
yourself. When you come to my casket, rip the paper in half. Give me the half
that’s been brewing inside of you. I want to take these with me, away from you,
to be burned and never to be seen again. For the rest of your days, focus on that which you have in your hands. Death is about letting go, yes, but it’s also
about holding on, and we so often forget that. Hopefully, there is something
cathartic enough in here that will help you remember your better half.
o
Amendment
(B): I imagine there will be a lot of confused aunties and baa’s at this event
if left to their own devices re: Amendment (A), so please supply them with faux
flowers. Instead of real roses, please fashion origami ones using the 100-page
Microsoft Word document populated with my favorite quotes of all time. Flora will perish, but
those words never will.
8.
Rule:
No celebrities can be present at the funeral.
o
Amendment:
Okay this isn’t actually a rule, but I just figure if I have enough Feyth,
y’all will get it together and have Tina come holla.
9.
Rule:
Tina Fey must be at the funeral.
o
Amendment:
On second thought, this would probably be much better timed if arranged
pre-funeral, while I’m still alive to experience her greatness. Just putting it
out there as a premature dying wish.
10.
Rule:
Place an honorable picture of the deceased beside the casket.
o
Amendment:
Create a collage of my all-time most disgusting pictures. I figure this will
repair the rose-colored glasses eyeballs by lightening the mood with
some laughter if everyone remembers what I actually
looked like at any hour pre-noon.
11.
Rule
(of thumb): I love all of you more than I had ever let on.
o
Amendment:
I am so sorry.
12.
Rule:
The ashes must be scattered in the Ganges River in India.
o
Amendment:
Waka waka, betchez - the ashes will be scattered in Africa. Without Ma and Dad,
there would be no me. So, I want to go back to their birthplaces, my real
roots, to rest.
13.
Rule:
The deceased has no control over their funeral proceedings.
o
Amendment:
This post.
