Ego, Superego & It

There are moments in your life when you realize that you are not like other people.

I used to think there was one specific instance. An "AHA!" moment when you finally understand that you are not understood. But I'm beginning to think that this isn't true. This realization comes in spurts. Those few moments of clarity when you realize your vision isn't so clear.

Like when you become so passionate about a part of your life that is so incredibly insignificant to people around you, it drives you to insanity and you continue like a crack addict anyway. Or when you immediately become attached to a person you barely know, or haven't even met yet. Or when you are consumed by any sort of feeling, really, that your psyche tells you is totally irrational, but somehow also utterly and completely real.

Maybe It's these moments, or maybe it's other, smaller ones. Like how watching an old woman serve you coffee makes your heart fall out of your butt, but when she smiles with recognition, you want to fly. Or when an acquaintance sends a thoughtful text, and you want to run and befriend her and thank her for being a beautiful person. Or when the barista says that they still have Caramel Brulee Syrup leftover and you want to jump over and attack her out of complete joy.

Maybe It's the things you do. Like color to feel like you have the control to keep your life inside the lines. Or make arts and crafts to remind yourself in a tangible way that you have the power to create something real. Or take solo walks with your iPod and let the music raise your skin as you confront everything, or everyone, you have been running away from.

Maybe It's stubborn, and everytime you try to suppress its evil, it comes back with a stronger vengeance than the last time. Maybe It's suffering, and each time you fail to nourish its potential, it partially dies. Maybe It's condensed, and each time you try to unpack it, you come a little closer to its core.

I can't tell you what It is. But I can tell you that above all, it's patient. It is something deeply rooted, waiting, to rise up into the sunshine.