Once Upon a Time

We like to think that our lives are like storybooks. Each stage posing as another chapter in our interesting and unique novels that we can call our own.

Sorry to all the Cinderellas and Huck Finn's out there - it's not.

Our life isn't a plot that's waiting to unfold. It's guided by a couple of sentences. Not a lot, just a few that somehow snake their way into our brains and plop down, budding into a million more snake baby sentences that work off of it.

Let me tell you how this works. Take the sentence, "The dog is brown."

Now, imagine you are looking at Clifford the Big Red Dog and uttering that to yourself. Of course at first, you laugh at how stupid it sounds. It's nowhere near brown, and probably never will be, no matter how hard you squint your eyes or say the words.

But then, your homie comes along and says she can see a speck of brown amidst the red. She points it out, and you inch closer despite the reluctance to approach something so absurd. You may take a step, even two if you're feeling ambitious. But then you stop, because let's face it - this dog ain't gettin any browner.

You're chillin. You're satisfied. You know you're right and your friend is a dinkus.

But what about the cousin? Your cousin surely knows better. After all, he's your blood, so he must be a genius, given how smart you are. He sees the brown too. "You're not looking hard enough. I'm telling you it's there. Get your head out of the clouds. This dog is brown." You take a couple steps closer. You think you might see it! But you stop yourself - are you just seeing what you want to see? Filling in the missing pieces to make yourself seem less insane?

You stop a good 2 inches away from the dog. You're holding your ground, however shaky it feels underneath your feet. It's red, it's red, it's red. Wait...it's brown?

All of a sudden, by some combustion of surreality, the dog has become brown. You're smiling! You're not stupid! It's right there in front of your face. They were right, you just had to get real to see the surreal.

You're grateful that they pointed out the truth. You tell your friends about this brown dog, and suppress any shred of doubt you might have about its validity. You arrange to make a life out of this giant brown dog. You can make millions, billions! Come on - who the hell has ever seen such a thing? It's the perfect plan that makes perfect sense.

This seems like happily ever after, of course. The protagonist overcame her obstacle and finally saw truth to reach a lucrative "the end."

But it's not.

Because you'll never see it, but Fairy Godmother is singing Bippity Boppity CRAP right behind you, with a look of melancholy on her face, and the snake inside your head is smirking.

The dog is red.